6 Steps To Complete Forgiveness
Do you have someone in your life that you haven't yet been able to forgive?
Are you holding onto resentment, anger, blame or hatred due to something that happened a long time ago?
Do you want to let go of the pain you've been carrying for so long?
If you said "yes" to any of these, then it's time for you to FORGIVE!
The idea of forgiveness used to confuse me because I thought that by forgiving someone that had done something horrible to you, you actually gave them permission to do it again.
I believed that forgiveness equalled powerlessness, so I defiantly refused to forgive anyone who had ever wronged me.
What I have come to realise is that forgiveness isn't at all about giving your power away, it's about taking it back! Forgiveness is about restoring yourself back to full, about putting a stop to unnecessary drains on your energy and declaring that you are worthy of more.
Forgiveness is essential if you want to access and maintain inner peace.
Here's 6 steps to forgiveness that will help you through the process...
1. Accept that you cannot change them
You might wish that your work mates were more considerate, or have expectations that your parents should be more attentive than they are, or hang on to dreams that your partner will one day stop talking over and finally learn to sit back and listen.
You've probably realised by now that wishing, expecting, hoping or even trying to manipulate people into changing just isn't going to work.
The only choice you have is to accept the person as they are. Declare "I accept that as much as I wish you to be different, I cannot change you or control your actions."
2. Find a part of you that is capable of the same
Have you heard of shadow work? The basic concept is that all of us are capable of just anything, good, bad, shitful, everything. Yes, you and I choose not to be aggressive, violent or outwardly nasty to others, but that doesn't mean that under the right circumstances, that we couldn't embody those qualities.
This book about the shadow side concept is required reading for life.
Dig deep and find a part of you that is capable of a similar action or words and declare "I let go of judgement. I recognise that I too, am capable of xxxx" (name the behaviour.)
3. Access compassion
Look back into the past of the person who has harmed you. What do you see?
Maybe they didn't have the opportunity to learn about kindness, love and peace. Maybe they weren't taught how to manage their frustration, anger and disappointment. Maybe they too, were harmed by someone.
Whether you know the facts of their upbringing or not doesn't really matter. Simply ask yourself, "What sort of upbringing would create a person who thinks that it's acceptable to xxxx?" (insert what they have done to you.)
With this new perspective, can you find compassion in your heart for them?
4. Honour the divine in them
We're all made up of the same stuff. Cells, atoms, organs, bones, skin.
And we all have access to the same divine power.
Some of us are more tuned-in to our connection to the universe, and our oneness with others. If the person who wronged you is not in tune with their own divinity, that does not mean that they are any less connected to everyone and everything than we are.
We can peek inside ourselves and see a soul looking for truth, healing and peace. We can also peek inside them and see a soul looking for truth, healing and peace.
Just because we may be more proactive about our own healing than them, does not mean that we are better than them. Underneath we are all the same.
Declare: "The divine in me honours the divine in you."
5. Thank them for their contribution to your life
Each of these steps will require great strength, but none more that this step.
You might have been holding onto blame, judgement or resentment for a long time, and it will feel unnatural to find gratitude for this person.
Breathe deep and give it a shot. You have nothing to lose except pain.
Think of at least one way in which your life has improved thanks to the hardship or trauma that you have experienced. Even if the only one you can think of is that you have embarked on a healing and personal development journey, which will result in you being the best version of yourself possible.
Then, say "Thankyou."
Communicate with your soul. Let your appreciation be true. Take all the time you need.
6. Forgive them and set yourself free
You've done all the ground work. It might take you a long time to get to this point, but when you arrive here, you will be more than ready to forgive the person once and for all, and to reclaim your energy and power for yourself.
If you want to face the person...
You can if you want, but remember step 1, accept that you cannot change them. It's important to let go of all expectations and stay true to your intention, you heal yourself. Say what you want to say, let them know that you forgive them and allow yourself to restore your own power, communicating with compassion and strength.
Allow the person to respond and say what they feel needs to be said as well. Let go of the outcome or expectations of an apology or resolution. Let whatever happens be the perfect outcome.
If you don't want to / can't face the person...
You don't have to forgive the person to their face for the act of forgiveness to take full effect. Communicate to their soul, their true self. Say what you want to say, let them know that you forgive them and allow yourself to restore your power, communicating with compassion and strength.
However you forgive, let it be real, deep and infused with love.
Try my forgiveness meditation...
During my Yes Quest year, forgiveness played a massive role for me.