As much as I wish I wasn’t, I’m a hater, a rebel and a fighter at heart.
As much as I give my clients (and friends) good advice about how to cope in an imperfect world, I still struggle because I have such high expectations of people. I desperately want people to drop the sarcasm, be nice to themselves, show an interest in others, ask questions, be compassionate and care for their children – so badly that it hurts.
So much that sometimes I don’t know what to say and other times I need to take a deep breath and occasionally I have to leave the room. It’s hard.
I’ve come to realise that the struggle is a valid part of my journey which has great potential for self improvement, although in many of my recent challenges I’ve failed to ‘find the gift’ and have just slipped into old habits.
I understand the solution to this problem intellectually but my deep rooted emotions are fierce and seductive. Tegan & Sara know how to explain it better than I do...
It’s sort of like smoking, you wake up all haggard and croaky wishing never to smoke again but by lunchtime you’re rolling one ‘for later’, but then decide to just have it now. It pulls you in, you want it, even though you really don’t.
I don't smoke anymore but I still think about it, even after 8 years.
At first I thought continuing to do the same thing rather than making a change was simply the easy way out but it would seem that staying the same actually requires more effort, creates more discomfort and has a greater cost in the long run.
Why then am I sometimes so reluctant to simply accept ‘what is’? Why can’t I just be fine when Bob’s parents talk over him, cut down his ideas and completely ignore him? And why can’t I just agree with people who never expect life to get any better or who blame others for their problems?
I know better I guess. (I really do) and this isn't a chronic issue for me, but it comes in waves. As I become more and more aware of myself and in tune with my values I have moments where it is easy and natural followed by moments of tension and frustration which is usually followed by greater growth and wisdom.